Today I have struggled.
Today, that ever patient darkness really started to close in on me.
I went from cleaning out my closet and tickling my silly kids, to sobbing on the phone to my best friend/sister.
I have had other trials, some with definite endings: like when I finally delivered a healthy baby after a stressful pregnancy. I have had trials that have eventually gotten easier after months or years of struggling: like when I miscarried our twins at 10 weeks.
But this. Some days, it’s just too much.
The enormity of it is overwhelming. It has become part of me, and though I want to move forward as much as I can, I fear the pain of it will always be there, looming and waiting. There is no end in sight.
I feel a strange sense of claustrophobia…that intense urge to run out of the confining situation, to see the sun, and to breath deep, long, cleansing breaths. But there is no escaping my situation. There is no escaping the memories or the trauma or the heartbreak.
Though it isn’t as constant as it was in the beginning, grief is always there waiting to smother me when I least expect it. Whenever I have time alone, whenever I am not busy, or when something triggers a memory. It happens daily. Hourly. And the burden of it… it’s just a lot. Somedays, more than I can handle.
I hope that I eventually will become used to the weight, and that it will be less noticeable over time. Maybe one day I will even thrive and will be stronger despite, or more likely because of it.
But today, I have just been craving the carefree lightness that I didn’t even realize I used to enjoy…until it was gone. I miss being the me I was before.
So I’m running to the place where I can find glimpses of light again. It’s the only place I have found where the heaviness is pushed away, and the darkness lifts. For me, that place is the scriptures. These verses bring peace. Peace that today, I NEED.
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
One day, when I am able to speak with my sweet Savior, I will bathe his feet with my tears of gratitude. I doubt that I will be able to say anything, but “Thank you.” And I won’t need to say anything else.
He will know.