It has just been a hard week for me.
I have struggled with feelings of discouragement, heartache, and doubt. Sometimes, I feel so very alone. I can be surrounded by people who love me and want to help me, but I know that no one truly understands my heart.
Grief can feel so isolating.
Today, I put my two youngest children down for a nap. My two year old has gotten in the habit of sneaking out of bed and waking up his sister, so after I put him down to rest, I sat in a big cozy chair just outside of his door.
I had to remind myself to breathe normally. I was too tired and numb to even cry. My emotions were on overload, and I was so far past the point of feeling….I was just numb.
As I sat alone, I began to pray. I pray often, but this prayer was one of silent pleading. I begged God to help me. To make it hurt less, or if it was not his will for it to hurt less, to make me a stronger and more patient person.
I sat silently afterward, and waited for some type of divine intervention. I waited for answers, or for the pain to go away. When nothing happened, I felt abandoned. I felt so hurt. How could my loving Father give me more than I could handle on my own, and then not help me when I went to him so sincerely? I have had moments where I have prayed, and a feeling of instant peace has engulfed me, but this time was different.
I felt almost more alone, as if I were talking to someone who was ignoring me, or who was too busy to care.
And then I had a thought. I needed to seek answers. I opened my scriptures and read for a while, until I got to 1 Nephi Chapter 21.
And then I found what, I believe, God wanted me to read today.
I felt like these verses were written for ME. They were meant for me at this exact moment. He was speaking through his scriptures to my heart.
14 But, behold, Zion hath said: The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me—but he will show that he hath not.
15 For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel.
16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.
My Savior has graven me upon the palms of his hands.
His hands were pierced for me. He died to save ME. He understands every heartache, every desperate cry, and every silent tear that has escaped from my eyes. He knows and he has felt all of my pain too.
He will never forget me.
I didn’t even realize that I was crying until I touched my face, and realize that I could feel again.
I am not alone.