Bracing

I’m mentally bracing myself for the upcoming week. Of all of the milestones and holidays that we went through last year, Father’s Day was the hardest. Honestly, if it were just me that was grieving, my anniversary or the anniversary of the day that RJ passed away would have been the worst.

But when my kids grieve, it takes my pain to a whole new level.

Last year, we skipped church completely. I couldn’t bring myself to put my children through singing in church with the primary, or the inevitable making of Father’s Day cards.

Instead we had a picnic at the cemetery. We wore his things, sprayed ourselves with his cologne, looked at pictures, and had a little graveside Father’s Day program. I was so proud of my kids for singing the sweet songs they had been practicing, and for sitting under trees while they wrote cards for their Daddy. We prayed together, cried together, and laughed together,  and it was really a beautiful way to spend such a hard day.

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But was just heart wrenching to watch them grieve. I tear up instantly when I think of just how much my kids have gone through in the past 19 months. It all has been difficult, but that day was just indescribably hard. I wanted so badly to fix everything. To mend their broken little hearts.

The only thing I could do, was to hold them and to cry too.

This year will be different. We can’t visit the cemetery, but we will remember their Daddy all the same. The kids are excited to celebrate their second dad as well. To have a special day being thankful for the father who chooses love and each one of them everyday. It will be Ryan’s first Father’s Day.

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In some ways, I think that this year will be even harder than last. We will be attending church, singing with the primary, and making all of the Father’s Day gifts. It will be a day of many emotions I am sure.

But I am thankful that my children have not only one, but two amazing men to look up to.

We can do hard things. 💙

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